Hey, dad, two more box tops, And this baby's mine.
That's exciting, ben.
I'm proud of you.
You think you need another one Of those little figurines ?
What is that, exactly ?
Well, it's part Of a collection,
And, y'know, i collect them,
So, yes, i guess i do need Another figurine.
And what happens when The collection's done ?
Will you stop eating Breakfast ?
Well, no, i go on to a Different set of figurines.
I don't know.
It just seems like a little Piece of crap to me--
You'll pardon the expression.
What does this Word say, dad ?
Gen-- it says "Genuine article."
Genuine.
Genuine article. Yes.
I rest my case, okay ?
It's not a piece Of crap.
So this is not an Imitation piece of crap.
This is the real--
That's genuine.
Why do you Say genu-wine ?
Why do you say that, Genu-wine ?
It's genuine.
Ben, i'm working on My first cup of coffee,
And i'm really not up for
The cross examination Thing yet.
You know--
You know what, dad ?
I got a question For you.
Okay.
Would it be all right if I borrowed the car today ?
You know i love you.
Yeah.
And you know that there's only One thing in the world
I love more than you,
And the thing that you're Interested in borrowing--
The car.
Of course i'm gonna Lend you the car,
But i just need-- i need some Kind of reassurance from you
That you'll act responsibly,
So just say Something to let me know.
Dad, it's me, It's benny-boy !
I know, i know.
I need some Kind of...
Are you bonded ?
One of the things people Use a car for, ben, is...
Very often they'll use it To go from their home
To their job.
Right, like you do.
I do that, right.
Yeah, you know, people take The bus, too, to work.
Which people, ben ?
The poor people, dad.
No, i love The poor.
You are the poor.
I am.
Well, the...
Well, my parole officer Thought it
Would be a good idea.
You know, they encourage Any kind of program
Where you can talk instead of Picking up a pack of matches.
Where did you grow up ?
Um, i grew up in a little town Called gladys, virginia.
A little tobacco Farming community.
And let me tell you, if you Have one year left to live,
Move there, 'cause every day Goes like a freakin' eternity.
Small town ?
Small town.
So there's not A lot going on there ?
Mm-mm.
Anyway, i was just Home recently,
And i saw my Family at christmas,
And my family is so ugly.
And when i think of all The products available to us,
I wanna tell them, "Don't give up.
Just mix and match some--"
I think the whole world would Be a better place to live
If everyone just knew about
clinique 30-minute turnaround cream.
The products are out there.
That's all i'm Trying to say.
clinique 30, Is that what--
And it's $19.95, For goodness' sake,
And if you don't have hair, You should go buy some.
It's at the store.
Are you the youngest ?
No, i'm one of The middle ones.
Who else is there ?
You have brothers And sisters ?
Yes, i have a sister.
My sister's Big boned.
Nothing wrong with that.
Shut up, She can't help it !
Oh.
I have a mother.
Let's talk about her.
She throws a little Christmas party
And each year, me and my Two brothers and my sister,
We have to visit her, 'cause We're scared of her
On a one-on-one basis,
So last year At the christmas party,
My mother put a microwave In the bathroom,
And no one Could figure it out,
And, you know, my mother's On medication,
So she's always happy,
So i'm like, "mom, What's the deal with
The microwave in The bathroom ?"
And she's like, "What's the deal with what ?"
"What's the deal, you know,
"With the microwave in The bathroom ?
I don't get it."
And she's like, "we got a Bigger one for the kitchen."
So that didn't work out ?
No, she was originally From ireland.
You know, she was an Illegal alien over here.
She wasn't registered Or anything.
Irish woman.
And i don't Know what happened,
But she broke up with me, so i Reported her to immigration.
I was like, "I'm sorry, sweetheart,
"If we can't be together,
You have to get the hell Out of my country."
Dr. Katz...
Dr. Katz, you're not Listening.
I am listening to you.
Don't you think you should Face me when we have sessions ?
I can face you, anthony.
Can you ?
Stop tapping your shoe.
Sorry, that's just A habit.
What are you writing ?
It's a poem.
* My baby yeah
* That girl's Got studio *
* She likes The funky stuff *
* She--
Whoa, got, got me !
Whoo, take it !
( Phone ringing )
Hello... Hello ?
Hello, hello ?
( Dr. Katz ) Ben ? Hello ?
Ben, can you Hear me ?
Where are you ?
I'm in the car, dad.
That's where You called, right ?
It sounds like--
I don't know...
I'm not exactly Sure how to work this.
Do i take it off The receiver ?
Just hold it up to your ear Like a regular phone.
Dad ? Yeah.
Oh, you're there.
But it's not Coming off the thing.
Just yank it off.
I gotta also Watch the road.
I'll watch the road.
You yank off The phone.
Okay, well, hold on.
Wait, i'm gonna Put you on hold, dad.
Okay.
There's no hold Button, ben.
What ? ( Beep )
There's not a hold-- Can you hear me ?
Yes, i got it.
You're breaking up On my end here.
I just took a turn.
Oh, man, i'm going The wrong way now.
Okay, i'll call you back.
All right, Call right back.
( Phone ringing )
Ben ?
Yeah, dad, same problem.
Oh, just-- the trick is, When you drive--
( Phone ringing )
Ben ?
Okay, i'm fine.
I'm on a Straightaway.
Okay, look-- driving--
Maybe i should Pull over, huh ?
Yeah, maybe you wanna pull off Onto the shoulder while we talk,
Because it's a skill,
Driving and talking At the same time.
Dad, did you just call To tell me how to drive ?
No, i just wanted to make sure That you were okay.
You know, dad, Actually, the car is--
It seems to be running A little rough.
Have you--
I haven't had That experience, ben.
Because i find that when you Push down on the pedal...
Yeah ?
The gas-- it's very Difficult to--
What's difficult ?
You have to Push very hard--
Well, then you're probably Doing something wrong.
Which foot do You brake with ?
Uh, the left.
No, ben, you brake With the right foot.
No, you brake with The left,
And then you push The gas with the right.
No, see, that's why you're Running into trouble.
You're braking And gasing at the same time.
You shift with your Left hand, though.
You don't have to Shift in that car.
It's an automatic.
Oh, god.
Have you been Shifting, ben ?
Have you been shifting ?
I've been Pressing the horn a lot
And going "woo !" To the ladies.
pronto.
qui parla ?
giovanni, come stai ?
bene.
veramente.
Laura.
Shh !
I just need the--
Oh, giovanni.
( Speaking italian )
I just--
Laura, just-- i just Need the folder--
Please !
Sorry.
No, no.
Should i...
I'm on the phone To italy.
Oh.
( Laura ) I'm sorry.
Was there something you Wanted me to do for you ?
Yeah, i got it Myself, laura.
Thanks.
Oh, okay.
Is there anything Else you need ?
I'll tell you What would be great,
Is if you could get me a cup Of coffee with milk, and--
Oh, dr. Katz, you kill me.
Seriously, i would Appreciate that.
A cup of-- very rarely Do i ask you to do that,
And if you could just do That for me today,
It would mean So much to me.
God, who says you're A big square nerd
With no sense of humor ?
I... Who says that ?
I do.
Hi, laura.
Hi.
Do you-- this is, like, Weird for me to ask this,
But does he mention...
Does he talk About me at all ?
Why ?
I come to the sessions, and i Dress kind of casually.
I don't wear, Like, a dress shirt
Or a blazer or anything.
And do--
Mr. Kindler, could you Please sit down
Until i call your name ?
Oh, all right.
Uh, mr. Andy kindler ?
Yes ?
Very good.
Just testing.
But here-- This sums up my family.
My family just lives In complete fear.
I showed my mom one Of those 3-d art books.
I said, "see if you can see The 3-d picture."
My mom looks at It for a couple of seconds,
And she goes, "do you think This is good for your eyes ?"
I guess what i'm saying Is there aren't a lot of
Mountain climbers In my family.
What else are You afraid of ?
I'm very scared of Being arrested.
And if i ever arrested,
I hope they don't play Good cop, bad cop with me.
I don't want them to play Good cop, bad cop.
I'm hoping they play Good cop, really good cop.
So the first cop says, "would You like some coffee ?"
And the second cop says,
"How about a nice Pastry with that ?"
Andy, show business was A choice that you made.
I'm sure it's not Always easy.
I went on an audition, And the guy says--
I start-- he says, "slate."
Y'know, say your Name, y'know.
And i start to Talk and fool around.
He goes, "look, don't Be schticky."
What is--
You know what That means to me ?
"We hate the jews."
"I hate you, And you're a jew."
That's how i took that.
Well, that's--
"Don't be schticky, jew."
Hi.
How's it going ?
I'm here to drop off My dad's car.
Okay, good.
Yeah, is he With a patient ?
Yes, he is.
You know, i guess i'll Leave the car keys...
With me.
With you. Mm-hmm.
So actually, i'm, you know,
I'm here a little late, So he might be a little mad,
But i parked the car Right out front.
Right out front ?
Yeah, right in the front, Right there.
Oh, right, okay.
Yeah, that's a great place, 'Cause there's that big sign
That says "absolutely no Parking any time."
I think that'll Be fine, right ?
Mm-hmm.
Do people usually Park there ?
Oh, yeah.
You know, those signs are Mostly just suggestions.
I don't think They're, you know--
Yeah, it's just that it Kind of deters the people
Who are easily scared,
And leaves a space Open for the bold.
You know it. Yeah.
Good for you. Thanks.
You got guts, kid.
Right on, sister.
Give me the keys. Woo !
I'm sure that Your style of comedy
Doesn't appeal To everybody.
Actually, i did-- We did some focus groups,
And we found out that My target audience
Is men my age who are me.
That seems to be The group of people
That are most into What i'm doing.
You know, i've finished Every magazine here.
I'm gonna get going.
Unless you wanna Talk or something.
No.
Hey, hey, hey, Come here.
You wanna see Something cool ?
Yeah, sure.
Look !
It's my dad's car.
Yeah.
It's being towed !
Yeah.
But you said It was okay to pa--
That's-- okay.
Sir ! ( Knocking )
Excuse me !
No towing ! Ben ?
Don't tow !
Ben. Don't tow, sir.
Ben, shut up.
No tow-tow.
You shut up, You shut up.
This is serious !
Fine, i was just Gonna offer to help.
Tow bad and benny unhappy.
Doctor, um, it comforts me To call you doctor.
I find it a little Comforting myself, actually.
You know, i was watching the three stooges,
And i finally figured out
Why women don't like the three stooges:
They're not funny.
That's why women Don't like them.
And i had to get Her up to the doctor.
And i just didn't... I just didn't care.
But now i have to take Her home and take her
To get her medicine !
How am i gonna get nana's Medicine without my car ?
Thank you.
My mom is very Supportive, though.
I'll go out for a part, You know,
And i'll call My mom, and i'll say,
"I didn't get the part."
And she goes, "well, andy, It's their loss."
"Oh, really, mom ?
Well, they seem to be Taking it quite well."
You have to remember, She's your mom.
You know, she's just totally Devoted to you, it seems like.
You can't do any wrong In her book.
But she still Wants me to be a surgeon.
You know, she says, "why can't You be a surgeon ?"
Of course, i'm Obsessive-compulsive,
So i'd be saying things like, "I'm still washing.
I'll come soon."
You know, let me give you Another example, doctor.
I leave the house...
Right ?
...I gotta go back To the house now.
Why ?
Because maybe i left a piece Of paper on a counter,
And maybe i left The window open a little bit,
And then the wind blew The piece of paper
Directly into The pilot light on the stove.
Now i have a fire On my hands,
'Cause i wasn't careful.
You know what I would recommend, andy,
For this particular Problem ?
Is a paperweight.
Um, this is totally-- I know that you've--
I don't even know What made me ask this,
But when i leave, A lot of times--
Like, i'll say, "goodbye,"
And dr. Katz Will say goodbye,
But he says it in Kind of a weird way,
And, like, i don't know If i'm supposed to do this,
But am i supposed to tip ?
Mm-hmm.
A guy came in Last week, julie,
He says, "my problem is, Dr. Katz,
"I think i'm a pup tent.
"I mean, I'm a tepee.
I'm a pup tent, I'm a tepee."
I said, "you know What your problem is ?
You're two tents."
Do you not Get that joke ?
I don't get that joke.
Let me try it again.
A guy comes in Last week.
He says, "dr. Katz, my problem Is i think i'm a pup tent.
"I mean, i'm a tepee.
"I'm a pup tent, i'm a tepee, I'm a pup tent."
I said, "you know What your problem is ?
You're two tents."
You're two tents.
What is that, like, a Therapist joke or something ?
It's going around.
Uh, knock-knock.
Who's there ?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupting--
Moo.
( Laughing )
That could be the one.
That's the one.
I like that one.
Hey, if it's not Out of your way,
Could you just drop me off On the way home ?
Where's your car ?
It's in the shop.
Oh, maintenance ?
Mmm... Well...
You didn't have An accident, did you ?
No, i had a son.
You had a son ?
Yeah.
Ben borrowed The car today.
What'd he do ?
Well, apparently it's What he didn't do.
He didn't release The emergency brake.
Ooh, ow, ow, ow, ooh, ow.
Yeah, he drove the car For about three hours
With the emergency brake on.
You know what That can do ?
That can strip The kishkes.
And he claims... The kishkes ?
Yeah, the universal kishkes.
It can strip them, And you have to
Replace the whole thing.
You know, my problem Is if he would just
Own up to what he did--
But he's claiming That everyone
Has their own Definition of emergency.
Hm.
So, ben, what's The first thing you do
When you get in the car ?
Dad, let's not go over This again, okay ?
Just tell me The first thing.
Emergency brake.
Okay.
Just wanted to hear You say it.
Okay, i will not Bring it up again.
How many times am I gonna apologize ?
You know i made a Mistake, and--
Benny, are you gonna take A shower before you go out ?
Because you are ripe, My friend.
What do you mean, ripe ?
Well, you stink.
What did you--
I don't stink, That's a natural--
Can you just crack The window a little bit ?
Because grace is Coming over.
I think-- you know, It's not fair to her.
What ?
That she has to Clean a house and--
Well, grace doesn't Smell great either.
You're a healthy 24-year-old man.
Grace is a 73-year-old Woman who--
You know, dad, in europe it's Considered obsessive to bathe.
To bathe.
What i'm really Leading up to, ben,
Is do you ever think That maybe someday
You might wanna Have your own car ?
Well, no.
I mean, There's no reason.
Why is that ?
Well, i have Your car.
I can use your car.
Why would i--
Well, i just thought It's something you
Might wanna think about,
Because a lot of The car manufacturers
Are now offering automobiles
In exchange for money That people have earned.
You know, there's A concept, dad--
People like your father, People like your cousin paul.
Yeah, i'm familiar With those people.
People who get up in The morning, go to a job,
You know, work all week, Get a paycheck--
But dad, you know, There's a little thing
Called sharing, all right ?
Yes.
Familiar with it ?
Are you saying I'm not a sharer ?
Well, i'm saying, like,
We have a car, you don't use it All the time-- we share.
Wait, wait, Who has a car ?
Who has a car, ben ?
We have a car, The family.
The family car.
Ben, ben--
The american dream !
God, do i stink.
Well, it sounds Like a good job, tony.
Why is that bad news ?
Well, it just Involves so much travel,
And i don't like the bumping
When you go through the clouds On the airplane.
The bumping.
Because on the last flight,
We were hitting All these bumps,
And the stewardess Comes over, and it was like,
"Mr. Clark, you have to Wake up.
"Sit up and put On your seat belt.
We're experiencing Turbulence."
And i was like, "well, Thank god you woke me up,
'Cause i'd have slept right Through that."
So what kind of scam Are you talking about ?
Well, while we were in italy,
This woman walked up To my friend,
And threw my friend a baby.
And when my friend caught The woman's baby,
Her other kids ran up
And took what was In my friend's pockets.
So let that be a tip For you, you know.
If you're ever in italy And someone throws you a baby,
Swat it to the ground.
Swat it to the ground And scream,
"I don't think so !"
Hey, good for you, tony.
I'm just trying to take A bite out of crime.
That's right, that's right.
What do you mean you're losing Respect for stand-up comedy ?
They-- i hate when A comic has a joke,
And the premise Is incorrect.
Like, i work With this comic,
And he opens up his act with,
"I went to the store, and i Saw sugar-free chocolate.
Who's this for ?"
It's for diabetics, That's who it's for !
"I walk in a hospital, I see insulin.
What's that All about ?"
Who's that for ?"
I see what You're saying.
All right, then.
What did you do before you got Into show business, andy ?
Before i got into comedy,
I had a lot of Horrible day jobs.
I actually sold door to door For two years,
And i learned a Very valuable lesson,
That people don't like to Be disturbed at home.
My mom only somewhat gets What i'm talking about.
She gets half The story, and then she...
It's like-- and then the worst Thing was in college,
She'd always try And involve me in
Whatever discussion Was happening
Or whatever Situation was going on.
Like, we'd be at Thanksgiving,
And she'd go, "Are you listening, andy ?
"Your cousin michael's Going to college.
"You majored in English literature.
"Do you think that would Be a nice subject
For your cousin michael ?"
I get the idea.
So she would Make you--
"Aa... Andy."
So her--
"You played the violin In college."
Right, so she--
"Your cousin michael Is looking to play
Some kind of an instrument When he gets to college."
Okay, andy--
"Would you recommend The violin
To your cousin michael ?"
Mrs. Kindler, can you Turn the floor back over
To your son, please ?
"Or would you suggest that He plays some kind
Of a wind instrument ?"
Okay, so you wouldn't--
"Andy, you were a bartender.
* Why don't you fix your uncle Sandy a scotch and soda ?"
Oops, you know What that means.
Our time is up.
( Announcer ) This has been a presentation From comedy central.
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